Monotonous Affinity
by Fall
Summary: Betrayal doesn't necessarily mean that you've been betrayed...or does it? If you go with the first assumption, would you be willing to pretend you saw nothing? To just /smile/ it all away? {implied 53, 38 Yaoi lemon, Angst, One-shot}


Date finished: Tuesday, 08 July 2003

Series: Gensomaden Saiyuki  
Pairing: 53 (Gojyo x Sanzo) implied, 38 (Sanzo x Hakkai)  
Category: Angst  
Warning: Yaoi lemon, language, and angst.

_ '—denotes thoughts—'_ || _/__—denotes emphasis—/_

Standard disclaimers apply. 

***********

"Monotonous Affinity"  
by Fall 

_A smile is merely a lifting of the corners of the mouth, empty and useless._

It was only an empty smile that hid his vulnerability. The same smile upon which innocent strangers often found themselves trusting in. The same smile that makes him look vulnerable in the eyes of his enemies.

This was the same smile that gives assurance that Cho Hakkai is still, Cho Hakkai.

And so it is not surprising that this same smile was used as a facade. It held nothing of what the wearer was thinking, of what he was feeling, of what he was planning. He smiles at the prospect of hardships; he smiles when he is amused; he smiles at his own confusion; he smiles in the face of tension; he smiles when the entire world around him is in danger of collapsing. 

Yet this same smile did not fool anyone who had known him for over three years, someone who had shared the same discomfort of sleeping in Jiipu, one who had had many opportunities before to lift and peek under the covers that held his pretensions together...

For it was normal to see Cho Hakkai smiling against anything, amidst anything, but it was not normal to see him smile in the aftermath of shock. 

This observation was mirrored in the golden eyes that his own orbs met, the moment he opened them. Large, sorrowful eyes that silently questioned his emotional state, lips quivering with the words that his heart did not dare to let go. Son Goku was afraid to say the word that could snap Hakkai apart. 

And he could feel the tension emanating from the boy, the sad confusion that they both felt. But he was still Cho Hakkai, and it was only natural for him to smile and dissipate any misgivings out of his companions. So he laid both hands on the boy's shoulder, smiled his empty smile, and said, "Believe me, I'm all right, Goku." 

"Demo, Hakkai..." 

"Betsuni. Would you like to help me cook breakfast, Goku?" And even though the boy merely bit his lips together at the abrupt change in subject, it was obvious that the matter was not entirely forgotten. Even as Goku affected high spirits at the prospect of food, he was not fooled. None of them was fooled. _'Neither one of us will forget'_, a repressed voice spoke at the depths of his mind. 

_'But I have to,'_ another voice replied. _ 'Because I'm Cho Hakkai.' _

And to this a brief expression of bitterness crept into his smiling countenance. He was bitter, yes, he was so bitter. But the voices had already said what he knows he should do, the code he has subjected himself to... 

***********

The air was heavy with telltale signs of a rain gone past.

The floor of the small shack was damp with moisture. Footprints of mixed mud and rainwater marked the paths taken by the current occupants. There were only two rooms, with one room serving both as a kitchen and a common room. Its shabby space was enough for a table, four chairs, a rusty sink, an overhead light bulb and a small working stove to fit in. The other room was smaller, with only one bed and no means of light, other than the tiny window made for air to circulate through. This lack of sleeping furniture they remedied, by bringing in several blankets from Jiipu and making three makeshift beds.

The lack of a boisterous complaining over the sleeping accommodations or a raucous argument on who must claim the bed, was unnatural in a sense. They were a group of people who was used to the perennial squabbles that lightened up their otherwise dismal journey, and so solitude was out of the question. Nevertheless, it only seemed natural for two of them to shut their mouths up as soon as one companion takes up the seat by the window, wearing a grim expression, and for the remaining other to take care of everything, sneaking glances upon the amethyst-eyed one.

It was the rain in the first place that prompted them to stay in this shack, regardless of the fact that a village lay at the edge of the woods—a mere few minutes of driving, but their driver had no inclination to drive further under the pouring water. But then, he was forced to drive out later, as they discovered that their supply of candles and food would not last them the morning after. 

And so thus, accompanied by Goku, Hakkai left Sanzo mulling by the window. He left some food and instructed Gojyo to convince the monk into eating something until they came back. He and Goku finished the shopping in haste, but were deterred by the sudden strong downpour that darkened the sky and even the spirits of some people beneath it. They sought shelter under the nearest inn, with Goku falling into slumber while Hakkai watched him distractedly, his thoughts playing between a face with mournful brown eyes and of monks with detached amethyst orbs. He never felt the onslaught of sleep; at the first sign of dawn, he gently woke Goku up, fed him, and immediately headed out to ride back to the shack. 

Walking back to the shack, with a sleepy-eyed Goku in his trail, a Hakkuryu curled up in one arm, and the other holding a bag of supplies, his every step was careful not to wake the hopefully slumbering occupants of the said place. 

And slumbering they were; Hakkai was afforded the satisfaction of that. If only he had walked in on them _ /sleeping/_ in separate beds, his reaction would have been nothing short of a contented smile; but as it was, it was not the present choice of sleeping companion that stabbed at him unpleasantly—it was the possession he had seen evident in the way that Gojyo's arms curved protectively around the body lying next to his. 

Hakkai did not bother to look further into the scene that lay heavily before his eyes and only merely muttered a whisper of, "Not a word, Goku," before pursing his lips together and retracing the path that led him out of the room, and out of the shack. And before he knew it, he was taking fast long strides towards the depth of the gloomy forest that lay invitingly to his lost reason. He had no idea where he was going, of what he wanted to do when he reached somewhere. He was only aware that he needed to /_flee/_, to leave behind what his eyes had seen, to go somewhere where no one could touch him—to /_run/ away_ from the betrayal done unto him. 

He could not believe it. He would not believe it. His heart would not let him believe it. But somewhere at the depths of his mind, a voice was saying that he knew this would happen. That there were signs that clearly told him of what was to happen. Of why it has to happen in the first place.

And his first reaction was to smile. He just smiled like he always did, forcing himself to believe that he would find a way to smoothen this. And then he forced himself to stop running, to stay and think. That was when he realized that someone was running after him, watching him with what would be an expression of disbelief and betrayal. 

And so he opened his eyes at the faintest sound of his name being said; uncertain to his ears—so unlike the vibrancy he could remember from just a while ago... 

"Hak...kai..." 

There they were, the golden eyes that mirrored the same confusion he felt, sans the betrayal that he was feeling—for only he could feel how strong the claws of betrayal could sink into his heart, crushing it again and again, relentless and unstopping. 

Son Goku would not understand. No one would understand. But he was Cho Hakkai after all, and he was supposed to be strong underneath his frail look. It was normal for him to smile and speak in the assuring and patient tone of his... 

***********

For all his noisiness and gaiety, Son Goku was someone who knew when to keep his silence. He also knew the gravity of the situation he was in to act as unruly as he was expected of him. He was the perfect image of innocence, without evidence of knowing what was undoubtedly a scene no one was supposed to see. His acting was effective, or so it seems, for not even the perceptive monk had caught wind of anything unusual in the air. Even the half-breed did not notice anything out of the ordinary, as much as Hakkai appeared to be...himself. If Hakkai acted anything peculiar, he couldn't see the slightest trace of it. 

_'But of course, he wouldn't act otherwise, or else Sanzo or Gojyo might notice...' _

But he knew. He was there. He had an idea of what was consuming his emerald eyed friend, of how much it cost him to appear as himself, to pretend. The only thing that made him calm was the trademark smile that graced Hakkai's features, for, if it were to waver amidst the current tension, he knew that his friend's tenacity has finally crumbled down. And yet, this smile also made him uneasy, like, the more Hakkai smiled, the more he was crumbling down deep inside. 

His thoughts contrasted with each other, without sense—but he was aware of that. Hakkai was not as strong as he sometimes appears to be, and he has seen the times when his friend was besieged by circumstances far beyond his helping. He was there. He had seen them. He had been there.

It was all so unfair to him. Hakkai did not deserve what he has seen. Sanzo was not the type to just leave Hakkai and go to Gojyo. It must be the hentai kappa's fault, enticing Sanzo when he was vulnerable due to the rain...but that thought was also unfair; because Goku knew that Gojyo wouldn't do that. Goku knew that Gojyo wouldn't hurt the person he was closest to in all of them. Goku knew that if there were anyone in this whole wide world that wanted Hakkai to find happiness, it would be Gojyo. So who was at fault? He didn't know. But his innocent mind was spinning with the betrayal he had seen. His mind kept on flashing the way his friend's emerald eyes dulled and the way he said, _ "Not a word, Goku,"_—how could he choose the side of anyone else when he couldn't be relieved of this haunting memory? 

And whilst he was taking up his charade, his golden eyes watched with apprehension as Hakkai made to clear the table and get the cigarettes that the monk had requested—no, ordered—him to get. And then there was Sanzo who got up from his chair and followed Hakkai into the next room. And there was no sound that could be heard, except perhaps, a low inaudible murmur from Gojyo, who stood abruptly from his own seat and precipitately left the shack. "I'm going to take a walk," was what Goku had caught from the crimson haired youkai. 

_'Coward.' _Goku found comfort in mumbling it after the door closed. Dropping his head down onto his arms, he vainly tried to mute out the betraying sounds coming from the other room. 

***********

He was a coward; /_that/_ was what he was. He lay there on the same bed where he saw them earlier, curled up beside the man that he loved, who _/might/_ have loved him back at some point. He had an idea of what Sanzo had wanted when he had ordered him to get the cigarettes, had noticed a sudden change in Gojyo's air. But he still went inside the room and crossed the path to the small bedside table where the packets lay. He was aware when the monk had entered the room, when he had closed the gap that lay between them, when he was about to pull him back and kiss the length of his neck.

Why didn't _/he/_ made a move to back away? Why didn't he fight his cursed desire and strike Sanzo for his betrayal? He will deserve it. He should deserve it. But his damn self did not permit it to happen. Instead, it let him succumb to the temptation that was the owner of amethystine eyes.

And it did not take Sanzo that long until he had nipped a mark down the shoulder blade that Hakkai turned around to capture his hard, cracked lips, and the tongue that tasted of cigarette. And the ferocity with which he had responded did not deter Hakkai from pressing himself closer to him than possible, that there was a danger of them being merged together on the wall that supported them. He clutched at brown hair to deepen the conquest of him, his other hand touching Hakkai in other places to satisfy his own desire. 

And it was that same desire that prompted Hakkai to push Sanzo down onto the inviting bed, licking, kissing and nipping at every place accessible to his reach. His fingers moved quickly to half divest Sanzo of his clothing, which monk's robes should have signified his being of the church and being above such carnal acts of desire. 

But neither Sanzo himself troubled to remember his vows of chastity as he let himself under the power of Hakkai. There was the perennial sound of moaning, of muffled groans and of skin touching another skin, and the rustling of clothing as they were shed and tossed down the floor. Each was lost into the heat of the passion that they shared, as each gave what the other wanted to receive. There was a battle of the wills with which Hakkai was defeated; and it seemed that Sanzo's desire was the one burning hotter than both combined. And so he was the one who made Hakkai writhe underneath, trashing under his spell, coming once under his expressive hands, and then another time as they shared a connection so intense that Sanzo took liberties by thrusting agonizingly slow, savoring the feeling he was getting, wanting to build the mad desire in Hakkai, liking the way the misted emerald eyes wanted him. And the owner did want him, much more so than perhaps Sanzo wanted him, but it was all the same. 

And then it was all over. With one final thrust, Sanzo's desire was fulfilled as he came, kissing Hakkai as passionately as he had never done before. Or it was just because Hakkai's mind was still clouded with wanting that he did not notice. But the aftermath of their act left nothing short of torment in Hakkai's heart, for as they settled down to catch their breaths, as Sanzo drifted off to sleep with an arm encircled possessively around Hakkai's waist, the scene he'd seen this morning jumped vividly to his mind that he almost gave himself away by pushing the arm away. 

It was only almost, for the warmth of the arm felt so good to his damp skin, for the feeling of being in the warmth of Sanzo's chest was that of a welcomed one. Hakkai wanted to think, if only for a moment, that there was really nothing that had happened, as he had tried to convince Goku himself.

And then he remembered hearing the distant closing of a door. And he remembered the golden eyes that mirrored his own...suddenly, the warmth of Sanzo's hold didn't feel comforting anymore. With a sick feeling in his gut, he tried to shut his eyes to the naked Sanzo lying beside him, of what he had allowed himself to do. His desire had become the better of him, for how could he in his normal state allow himself to be made love at by someone who had betrayed his trust? 

But ironically, it _/was/_ normal of him to have done that. Cho Hakkai would have done the same thing, because he was Cho Hakkai. It was the same thing over and over again; despite the telltale signs that said Genjo Sanzo did not love him, that Genjo Sanzo only wanted his body. That Genjo Sanzo and Sha Gojyo have reached an understanding much like the one Hakkai was under the delusion of, that he and Sanzo shared it. Oh yes, it was now very clear to him. He was just under a vision. That because he was Cho Hakkai it was his position to accept Genjo Sanzo and let him do unto him whatever the monk wanted, no questions asked. That because he was Cho Hakkai, it was only natural that he should worry about how Gojyo would feel, knowing what he knows. 

And that because he was Cho Hakkai, he ought to push Sanzo's arm away and leave the room, go on normally with his duties, pack their stuff and try to look as if he had no idea what would happen tonight. 

So he planted his empty smile back again, and greeted the searching golden eyes that peered at him. They were boring a hole through his soul, and found to his surprise that he couldn't hold the gaze. With a painful sigh, he turned and started to pack their stuff away, hands strangely steady even as his inner self was struggling. 

_'I will ask Sanzo about Gojyo. Later, I will. Whatever it is, I will accept it.' _

And so he should, for he was Cho Hakkai, and Cho Hakkai always understands. It was his normal way to smile despite the emotion eating at him. He will understand if Sanzo will say that he indeed wanted Gojyo more than he had wanted Hakkai; he was willing to step aside if only to have the one he loved be happy. 

But it damn hurts. It really does. More so now that Gojyo has entered the room, demanding to have a talk with him outside. 

-The End- 

***********

A/N: It has been long since last I wrote a fic for Saiyuki (or for the pairings mentioned). And I have long been toying with this idea in my head for weeks now. If anything, I only wanted to write some angst about the 38 pairing.

This was not made to make Gojyo seem the "bad guy" here, nor was Sanzo. I was merely writing about circumstances wherein no one is really at fault, but a cruel victim of chance. Much as I wanted to write a sequel or add a chapter to justify the circumstance here, the idea has already eluded my mind. (But I am not ruling out that I _/might/_ do it some other time.)

Constructive comments and criticisms are welcome.


End file.
